I am crying last night. I’m just too sad.
I felt so lonely without him being around to help me out.
Lonely to go out to buy breakfast on weekend alone.
Lonely to go to Pasar Tani on Saturday morning alone.
Lonely to go out for grocery shopping alone.
Lonely to go to in laws house alone.
Lonely to go to my auntie's and my uncle's house alone.
Lonely to go out at night alone.
Lonely to do the laundry at night alone.
Lonely to hang the clothes at the balcony then alone.
Lonely to do the cooking alone.
Lonely to clean the house alone.
Lonely to get tired on doing all those chores alone....
Since hubby wasn’t around, I’m just like too lazy to go to anywhere... So lonely... So boring... So unmeaningful...
Yesterday, I’m just a bit stressed out. I don’t know who to be blame.
When I arrived at home in evening,
Bapak: Hujan ka di luar?
Me: Ndak. kenapa? Bapak mau pigi joging ka?
Bapak: Ndaklah. bapak cuma mau pigi tengok orang main di padang (read: the padang was about 500-600m away from my flat)
When Bapak went out, I then take bath and perform my prayer. Suddenly, I heard a very heavy raining outside. "OhMiGod! How is Bapak doing rite now then? Maybe he is running at this time to get home" I’m guessing since he didn’t call or sms me. I then head to the kitchen to start my cooking activity as usual.
As I start cooks, my phone rang. I just missed it due to my wet hands, busy tumericing my fish cuts. After washing my hands, I then get my phone to see who is calling. It was Bapak. I call him back.
Bapak: Tolong ambil bapak di gerai pinggir jalan ni. Hujan terlampau lebat la
Me: Sekarang? Kak Ica sedang masak ni pak. Sekejap ya pak.
Bapak: masak? Masak apa lagi? Bapak sudah masak nasi tadi (I’m a bit stress out when he ask me that Q. what he’s thinking I am cooking? Of course I cook the lauk to eat with the rice that he cooked. Doesn’t he know my normal routine everyday?)
Me: Masak lauk la pak. ndak kan makan nasi putih jak pulak (I know I’ve been a bit harsh when I saying this.. I feel so sorry. It was just slipped like that unplanningly)
Bapak: Ouh... Ndak apa la kalau ndak boleh.
He then hung up. I think, he thought I was reluctant to pick him up due to the heavy rain. Actually, I am saying "sekejap" because I'm already in the mid of cooking. How I suppose to just leave the things at the kitchen like that? Of course it will took me few minutes to go out and pick him up with an addition, I don’t have any umbrella at house and have to run bare head from my flat to the car park which for sure very slippery at this moment.
Not to think too much, I called him back and tell him that I’ll be there in a minute.
I left everything behind and rush to go out and pick Bapak.
A bit wetly, I changed my clothes and rushed to cont. with cooking, as the clock is clicking near to 7pm. I am starving like hell already.
Finished with cooking, I clean up my kitchen, wash all the pot, the wok and get things ready for dinner. At this point of time, I missed hubby a lot. If he was around, for sure he will help me out with the table, foods and plates arrangement. Being a typical Malay man, Bapak wait for me to set everything up. Then we had our dinner until I clean everything again after the dinner.
Before I perform my Maghrib prayer, I ask Bapak:
Me: Kak ica ingat mau pigi beli barang sikit nanti. bapak mau ikut?
Bapak: (keep quiet for a moment....) nantilah...
Me: Nanti? bila?
Bapak: Lepas berita.
I then waited for him until he finished with his Berita at 9pm and let him perform his isya' prayer.
Suddenly, when I came out from my room, I looked at him with shocked.
Me: Bapak ndak mau keluar ka?
Bapak: (Just keep quiet and sighing...)
Me: Ndak apalah kalau bapak ndak mau keluar. Kak Ica boleh keluar sendiri.
At this time, again I missed hubby a lot! I am crying when I droved my car to buy the groceries. I’m just wondering why he shouldn’t tell me earlier if he doesn’t want to go out. If I would know, I wouldn’t be waiting for him until so late at night to be going out alone. (Read: I don’t know why lately I feel so scared to be outside alone at night). Thinking of we were out of rice and bread stocks, I proceed with my plan, though I have to go alone. I seriously depressed! Don’t know who to be blame.
To be honest, I never felt Bapak burdened me while he's here.
Bapak accompanied me here in our house since hubby gone for the courses.
I’m so grateful with his existence here. At least, I don’t have to go to other people's place to be getting accompanied.
To pay that back, I don’t mind to cook dinner for him every day in weekdays, though I hate cooking so much (read: Bapak prefer to eat cook at home food rather than food that I bought outside. He was so concerned about his high blood pressure problem that he just had after he recovered from his accident incident last year).
I don’t mind to go anywhere alone if he refuses to follow and let me know earlier.
I don’t mind listening to his comments every time he watch the news on TV (read: bapak love to watch any news and comment on it, which I don’t prefer if I also watching it beside him. I don’t like people make noise while I watching TV because I hardly could hear what the news reader's talking).
I don’t mind if he suddenly gets tempered without knowing the reason.
I know Bapak came from different generation. He got his typical Malay women as his wife. Mamak will do everything for him without needing him to help. I’m just too different with Mamak. I’m not that strong to do all the house works alone like mamak. I’m easily got tired compared to mamak. I’m not that patient enough like mamak. And last but not least, I’m easily getting tempered when I’m tired.
I know maybe I’m just too spoilt by my hubby since I married him. I had never been left alone like this, especially with my parents’ existence. He will always be there to help me on everything. He never let me feel tired. He always makes sure his wife get enough rest so that his wife doesn’t get tempered.
I know maybe I don’t understand him much, and so neither him. I’m trying. I’m happy in taking care of my parents (read: Since I entered Uni, I rarely had the chance to stay with them and take care of their needs).
But, tonight, I’m just too depressed with this situation. I can’t handle with this kind of situation alone. I feel so tired lately. I need hubby so much!!!!!! I need him to soothe me, I need him to persuade me... I need him to understand me... I just neeedddd my hubby a lot!!!!!
Bapak, I'm really sorry if I hurt your feeling. I never meant to. I love you so much! I’m just too tired lately. I’m adapting this situation. I hope you could understand and forgive me for all my wrongdoings towards you. I hope I could be strong like mamak one day. Just please pray for me….. I love you Bapak!